Joy
“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again - rejoice!” Philippians 4:4
Why is it that we are so sensitive to the pain of others? Could it be that we are hoping for that same sensitivity in return? The heart longs for understanding of pain and sorrow. Nobody wants to be told that they are alone in their affliction. But what about that pain which is so great that it can’t even be named? In Psalms, David cries out to God repeatedly out of anguish. In Psalm 38:8, he says “I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.” Sometimes there’s a pain that allows only groaning. Sometimes we cry without knowing what we even feel. All we can do is whisper the same things over and over again. “I don’t know what to do.” “God, please.” “I’m sorry.” But sometimes we can’t say anything at all. We just cry and try to let that be enough. We try to remember that God knows why we’re crying, even when we don’t. What a comfort!!
For whatever reason, tonight has been one of those nights for me. My heart is in anguish. I am feeble and utterly crushed. I sat on my bed crying, having no thoughts or words. Just crying. I decided to jot down things that started to pop into my head as I calmed down so I could try to pinpoint what I was feeling.
Physical pain, Kyle, Flaws, Dad, Marriage, Work, Seattle, The Future
But even then, what did I really have to cry about? I began to think about joy. What does it mean to have joy in the Lord? What does it mean to have joy in suffering? Does it mean that if I cry out to God in anguish, I failed at the whole “joy thing”? I think that our human nature and the world we’ve grown up in has not taught us anything of the joy God teaches about. We are taught happiness. Put on a happy face. Just do what makes you happy. If you’re happy, I’m happy. But where does that lead us? Joy comes from the hope that it’s not about trying to happy. it’s not about me. I’m not in control. God is. We have joy in suffering because we know that Christ suffered the ultimate sacrifice for us, and made a way for us to be with him for eternity. Joy is not an emotion. It’s a character trait. It is built and formed by fire. It is such a relief that we are able to call out to God in our affliction and be heard. But more so than that, it is a relief that unhappiness does not interfere with our joy. Our joy is eternal because our God is eternal.
So, to answer my own question, I don’t care why I was crying. I don’t care that my heart feels torn and trampled. I want only for God to use that pain for his purpose and his glory. I don’t know what he’s cooking up. I don’t know what he’s trying to teach me. I only know that it’s know my place to try to figure that out, or try to figure him out. I will rejoice in the Lord.
Brain
I wish my brain weren’t so crazy. I wish it trusted a little more. I wish it would stop lying to my heart. I wish it would stop filling itself with unfounded thoughts and ideas that just lead to hurt. I wish it would just let me sleep instead of worrying. Trust, Rachel. Trust.
We had our one year anniversary last week on the 15th :) I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to post about it. Anywayssss. I really love this boy. I had to work on our anniversary at 7 in da morning and when I opened my garage door to get in the car, he was standing there with a giant card that he had made and drove me to work. Then he picked me up from work at 1230 and we went out to eat and hung out until he worked at 4. I surprised him by filling up his gas tank and picking him up from work with bubbly and we went to the park to talk and spend time together. It was really nice :)
Although we are young and we’ve made and still make mistakes, I think we are on a good path. We love and respect one another unconditionally and can be our complete selves together. For me, if a boy still loves me after seeing me cry my eyes out, yell at him, in bad moods, cranky, and insecure he is a definite keeper. I’ve loved every single moment we’ve spent getting to know each other and just becoming best friends the past year.
Being a silly girl, I can’t stop thinking about marriage and babies lately. Kyle is sure to keep me grounded and remind me that it’s not time for any of that any time soon, but I cant help but think about it. I’m so excited to build a beautiful, solid, godly family. I want to love my kids and my husband as best as I know how. I want to serve and minister together. I want to surprise my husband with his favorite dinner and zours when he gets home from work.
Like I said, I know I’m young. I know I have plenty of time. But I also know I’m not being naive. I love Kyle. And I want these things with him :)
INSECURE.
So lately I’ve been finding myself having days where I feel incredibly ugly and gross and insecure. Today was one of those days. It’s so weird!!! The feeling takes over every thought and makes me grumpy and mean and unhappy. I hate it. And it happens way too often. I just need to remember that “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
So this is me. No make up in ma pj’s feeling totes ugggz. But so what who cares? God thinks I’m pretty :)
PERSPECTIVE.
I am so in love. SO in love. With my savior. With my Father. With the giver of life. With the only thing that makes sense in my life. He is so good. So faithful. So strong.
I am so in love with the Bible. I’ve been yearning for a desire to read it more frequently and to actually enjoy reading it again. And I’ve finally gotten it! I can’t stop. I want to know the Bible front to back.
I am so in love with my boyfriend/best friend. So in love. He is such a blessing in my life.
I am so in love with people. Their eccentricities, potential, facial expressions, stories. Gosh. I just want to know every single person on the planet personally.
I am so in love with talking and ministering to youth. Realized this slowly over the past year. Love it. I want to do it for the rest of my life.
I am so in love with my flaws. Not my sin. But those things that I’m supposed to hate. My baby arms. My lack of “street smarts” as Kyle calls it. My clumsiness. Because guess what? God likes me this way. He made me.
SO MUCH LOVE. It is good. Now…”Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth” 1 John 4:6.
Honesty
So I just read through my journal from October 2009-June 2010. The year I spent in Seattle. I saw a girl striving to have some sort of life altering experience. A girl wondering why nothing had happened the way she’d been hoping. A girl struggling to make sense of God and His plans. A girl madly in love with God, but not seeing the whole picture of who He is. A girl that depended far too heavily on others. A girl that had somehow lost every ounce of independence she’d grown up flaunting. A girl…confused. That is the best word I can think of to describe that time in my life. I was soooo stinking confused. About boys. About school. About careers. About God. About missions. EVERYTHING. I was searching for answers fervently. I read my Bible everyday without fail. Partially because I had nothing else to do because of my lack of friends and less than rigorous work load, but also because I felt like I needed to. I needed to read the Bible to find answers. To stop being so confused. To figure out what God was trying to tell me and show me by placing me where he had placed me. I searched and I searched. I talked to Sarah. I cried. I saw a counselor. I cried. I talked to Austin. I talked to Spencer. I talked to Kyle. I talked to Christine. I talked to Grace. My mom. My sister. Anybody that would listen. But I also sought God. I prayed. I studied. I cried out to God. I did everything I knew how to do to find some answers. And I never felt like I was finding any. I just felt stuck and depressed and…confused.
Looking back on that year, I realize that I was incredibly lonely. I didn’t allow myself to build relationships in Seattle (besides with Desiree and Mallory and later my Russia team) because I was waiting for the friends I had here to be there. I was waiting. I wasn’t living in the now. I was trying to be a step ahead of God. I was trying to tell Him what was best. What His next move should be for my life. He had other plans. Very different ones. With everything that has happened the past two years, I have learned A LOT. Things have changed about a billion times. But I’m here. I have two of the best friends I could ever ask for that I can see almost anytime I want, although we are getting busier (a side effect of growing up). I have a brain-half in Seattle that will always be my best friend and sister no matter what. I have a boyfriend that I am undeniably, madly in love with. I have a job that I am really freaking good at and love. I go to a school taking classes that I loathe, but hey, I’m in school! And I am on my way to being content.
I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW. I don’t have to figure things out. I shouldn’t know what’s next. More than that, I shouldn’t be thinking about it. God gives us each day. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. I don’t mean that in a bad ass, James Dean kind of way. I could die tomorrow. Legitimately. God has that power. So why am I thinking about the next 10 years as if they are promised to me? All that I know is that God gets the glory in anything I do. So I should be doing all that I can to bring Him glory and further His kingdom. No more worrying. No more depending on everyone else but Him. Do I still think about the way things were before? Of course. But I know that God has got it. He knows what He is doing. So guess what? No worry beef curry.
http://www.stylemepretty.com/real-weddings/
I am so obsessed with weddings lately. Shhhh. Don’t tell Kyle.
Just to clarify. It’s not in a “I want to get married right now” kind of way.
They are just so pretty! And it looks so fun to plan! And I want an excuse to buy a pretty dress and get my hair and make up did professionally for the first time in my life. Maybe never going to prom is finally catching up with me…
When it rains…
It freaking pours.
This week:
Monday- Went to work and got cut early because we were insanely slow and got slammed with returns. Slept the rest of the day because I started feeling sick.
Tuesday- Woke up and threw up and had diarrhea for an hour. Attempted to go to school but instead had a lovely conversation with Kyle involving Rachel crying for an hour. Left school early. Got home and discovered the dreaded cottage cheese on my tonsils.
Wednesday- Woke up with awful throat pain and it was so swollen that I couldn’t even talk properly. Slept most of the day. Had a smoothie and some mashed potatoes.
Thursday- This was supposed to be my adventure day with Grace because we had no school. But instead I had to drop my car off to have the brakes fixed. Felt extremely weak and tired because I have been living on smoothies and mashed potatoes. Went to the doctor. Doctor looks at my throat and says “Woah. Well, kiddo, you’ve got a bad case of strep”. Go home and sleep. Get email from Invisible Children saying I didn’t get the internship. Cry. Crying hurts. Try to sleep. Fever. 102. Hot. Sweaty. Dry mouth. Worst night sleep ever.
Friday- Mommy is sick too so she can’t take care of me. I’ve lost 5 pounds and I’m still not hungry nor does eating sound appealing in the slightest because of the pain it causes. Work called and said they were actually go to use my on call but I have to get it covered because I am sick. So I worked a total of 4 hours this week. Temp is still 102. But at least crying gets your boogers out.
But hey, who’s complaining?
home <3
I’ve never been sure if it was okay for me to always be asking God to let me go home. Granted, sometimes it was out of defeat or hurt. But other times it was simply because I wanted to be with Him. We know that our souls will be completely satisfied when we reach heaven and see Him face to face. We know that we get to spend eternity with Him there. But we don’t actually understand what that will be like. We can’t. Our tiny, earthly perspectives don’t let us. We are able to catch glimpses of this, however. Even if you don’t believe in God, I’m guessing if you described the best feeling you’ve ever had it would involve a kind of connectedness. Guess what? That’s God. Anytime you marvel at a beautiful landscape, guess who you’re standing in awe of? Guess who’s giving you that indescribable feeling of peace and perspective? Or what about when we are deeply affected by something, deeper than we’d even like to say. The best example of this that I can think of was seeing Invisible Children. I cried harder and for longer than I ever have before. I couldn’t even speak. I laid on the floor of the Crossroad’s sanctuary hugging and bawling with my cousin, Bethany. I’ve literally NEVER felt that way before, completely overwhelmed and overtaken with sadness. But I think I understand why now. God moves in our hearts whether we acknowledge or recognize that He’s doing it or not. Some people will never come to the realization that they’ve experienced God, but I believe that everyone has. We can’t get away from Him. He is in everything. But because we are living here, away from Him physically, we can ignore Him, mislabel Him, forget Him or reject Him. We can trick ourselves into thinking we’re hiding. But our hearts are created with this longing for more. We search and search for a lasting feeling of fulfillment. We desire a feeling of love and belonging. And sometimes we find it. But it’s taken me a long time to realize that even the closest, most genuine, loving, godly relationships won’t do it. Not even the GREATEST missions trip. Nothing but a relationship with Christ will do it. A true, relentless, daily relationship. I finally understand what it means to die to ourselves and why that’s so important. When I die to my desires and habitual sin, I become ALIVE in Christ. What does that mean? That that landscape becomes about 10 billion times more spectacular because I know He spoke it to be just like He speaks to me, when I’ll listen. It means that I know He places overwhelming things on my heart for His purpose. He has plans to prosper us, no to harm us, plans for hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). I can trust Him with my life. So to answer my own question about wanting to go home, I think it is more than okay. It’s the way I was designed. Being a Christian means turning from the ways of the world and keeping our eyes fixed on heaven and bringing every bit of that kingdom we can to earth. We NEED to desire to be with God. That’s how we know we’re alive.
